Dear Future Fiance-Husband

Dear Future Husband,

 I can admit that sometimes I wonder, do you really exist?

Every girl has a vision of prince charming since she was young. At the age of three, it usually is somsone who can save her from evil and wake her up from eternal sleep or give "true loves kiss"

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who's willing to cross the playground to share his Zebra Cake even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Since high school, I didn't get to go prom nor was I allowed to date, hopefully you can provide me with an experience. Create a prom for just both of us, or also our islamic - married couple friends...but please complete my experience  with photos that we can keep for decades to come and you'll give me a corsage made of orchids.

Nineteen years into this life, i'm still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder at times why is it taking you so long to sweep me off my feet and take me to your palace on horseback... I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could've ever read or seen as a kid.

Eventually i'll have a few heartbreaks from my friends but a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I find myself questioning your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like "All My Life" or "A Whole New World" in my head when I see him does not mean I don't hope that it'll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday. Something I leave completely up to Allah(SWT) because i'm positive that our will be epic. Maybe by the time we meet, I won't even have "epic" in my vocab.

But, I can't promise you that I wouldd make the world's most perfect princess. In fact I'll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities. There are a lot of them. I'll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into my shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly- unless you happen to not wear collars. Hopefully you can wear that Alladin Khurta/Shirt atleast on Fridays & family gatherings.

I can promise to be your best friend ,be that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward. By than, i'll probably have unlimited texting plan on my phone.

I'll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that will  only b because I absolutely adore you. I'll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn't exist. I'll wake you up every morning to pray together. I'll make sure you look fresh when Friday comes for Jummah prayers. Can't promise that i'll cook your favorite food every Jummah as my mom does for my father but  I'll cook your favorite food the days you reasonably request it & definitely on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your entire family. It probably will feel so genuine because the love you give to others is what you take. If I can love you, i'm sure I can love your entire family.


Hopefully you'll be able to love my crazy-strict conservative family and understand their lifestyle, in return.

I willl respect your nights out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my friends. I'll watch basketball or football games with you(or even soccer if you're into that), and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TV set.

I will know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you;;even if it means sitting and playing video games with you or taking hot chocolate runs or go groceryshopping when it rains.

I will listen to your music and we'll go on epic adventures together,seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way. You might get tired of me running my mouth, but as long as you love me... I think that'll be fine.

I won't be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride like Aladdin did for Princess Jasmine, because I know I won't need anything like that to fall for you. I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I'm lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach. For now I don't mind walking on the beach alone and  hardly anyone can catch me smiling in my pictures but with you it might be different. After all you will be the one that completes me, my character and half of my deen.

You willl be the guy who takes me the way I am and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

You will be that someone I envision a future witth;; us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog/persian kitten together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler's annual mini-plays. &&& I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning & the last face I speak to every night.

So to the man I know that does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday; this Man I can't wait to love.. PLease know that I can't wait to spend the rest and my entire life with you; But for now, I can wait. In the mean while, i'll continue practicing my faith and honoring my dignity/morals.  Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you're out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always(iA),

Meena

"Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven claws.."

Had Deja-vu all over again. Another dream, horrible day.

Fudge. I felt so numb a few days ago upon hearing that my realest, my ride or die friend passed away from a relapse. I didn't know relapse was an option. My boy got cleaned up. Rehab. Built new friendships. I thought he was living a full life. I was happy for him & thought now we're older maybe I needed to give space for his relationships. I remember in middle school-highschool, being the odd one out due to my ethnicity & faith. So much bullying and racial slurs I heard but Rob was always on top of it.  He would fight anyone if they offended my faith. I never got to attend parties but he would always share secrets and what happened. I knew things other girls didn't get any insight even while dating him. After school, we had our MSN webcam chats everyday. It didn't matter if I spent my summer overseas, he kept me updated by e-mails. The only boy who shares the same views on 'c0n$p!r@c!3s' and man I hope some day there's another cracker out there that thinks the sun shines out of my @$$ and has similar views --but this one. The boy even walked me to dance try outs in junior high when other girls were making fun of my bubble butt. I was legit crying thinking having a butt was a bad thing. He met my first 'crush' and didn't understand why I didn't want to date this boy. Handsome yet very girl including Rob&Jordan was obsessed except me. but man, I wish, I wish I had been more open with Rob instead growing distant after my wreck/surgery. Maybe he would've felt comfortable to hit me up one last time instead of the friend he chose to be around with in those last couple hours. RiP sweet boy, thank you for being the first male friend to show me so much respect & love. Thank you for being the older sibling I always wanted.

Life is not easy. It’s not easy if you are struggling with addiction – or even if you aren’t. It’s all about evolution. The strong survive. It’s not just about physical strength; it is more about mental strength. Do you have the will to survive? Do you have the strength to make it one more day?

As a person who has never struggled with drug or alcohol addiction, I can only speak from that perspective. I feel like i'm being selfish for moving 200+miles to go to nursing school and return to teaching dance however I can not live at home when my parents are heavily involved with the muslim/desi community. If they only knew the truth about others, i'm sure they would take a step back and worry less about me making a wrong impression on others. Despite returning to north TX, I will continue to make frequent trips to visit everyone. Watching a few friends experience withdrawals is bittersweet but makes my heart ache. How did we get to this point in life? I thought abuse was bad during childhood but this...dependency on drugs...My insight into your world is only through observation. I do not wish to walk in your shoes, but I can tell you what it is like to walk in mine – if you are serious about recovery.

Every day, I have unfulfilled wants that some are not centered on anyone else. It may seem selfish, but I made a promise to myself. I wouldn't leave my family or run away when things get bad until my baby brother reaches the age of 16. I want things, I want different feelings, I want to be so successful that I am freed from feeling like i'm owned by my family,  that i'm able to help others overcome addiction, help orphans. I want changes in myself, in others, I want , I want, I want. It really never ends. I believe that desire is no different for anyone – for people with addiction and for those without.

Daily, there are people out there telling you no – bosses, friends, parents, spouses and significant others – and that is just a part of life. Disappointment and hurt are as much a part of living as joy, happiness and love. Hurt is the same for those with addiction as it is for those without. The difference is how we react to and cope with our emotions, whether they are good or bad. I don’t know what drugs do for a person with addiction to help cope with disappointment. I don’t know how drugs heighten the joy of happiness. But I do know that my life would be very monochromatic without its peaks and valleys.

I have no doubt from observing you that you hated every day you used substances. I can see how your life was out of control, spiraling into a pit of hurt and despair. You became so lost that the helping hands of others could not even be grasped.

I see your struggles with being in recovery, with more pain than joy. It’s a time in your life where the scales are not balanced. You are working so hard to survive but everyone is saying no. There are so many frustrations. “What is the point?” you may wonder.

There is one place where no one will say no. There is one life that will accept you. The life of substance use that you have known for the last several years. That is the easy path to take.

But please know that the immediate pain you feel now will eventually fade.

When my grandmother (mom's mother) died, I felt terrible pain and remorse. I wanted to pick up the phone and call her, but I knew I couldn’t. I wanted to one last time, for old times’ sake, annoy the crap out of her with our language barrier but I couldn’t. I flashed back to all the good times, but they were not to be anymore. I believe that feeling of loss is something similar to what you are experiencing in order to live on. Your old life must die, and there is tremendous pain with that death. Each day you will want to use substances just one more time. Time may heal all wounds, but the scars are there forever.

In time, the scales will balance and you will experience more joy than pain. But for now, you must travel the difficult path and find the will to survive. You will become stronger each time you choose to steer away from that dangerous and tempting path at the fork in the road. It may be hard to see because the path to recovery is difficult. But please know you are not walking alone – hands of help are reaching out to you with your every step. You may learn to hate me instead of love me because I will always, always push you to strive to be better. I will forever be that friend that you can call me anytime and despite how far I move, I will drop everything just to pull up even if it's 2am. Why do I care?

 Because you are all my brothers and sisters. What I love for myself, I love for all of you. I remember coming close to developing an addiction in highschool and it's yet too painful to process still because of the emotions but I didn't have anyone there for me, besides God of course. My "friends" didn't realize until towards graduation when I was trying to find any way to graduate a year early or get my GED just so I could start college sooner than later; so my life could have a meaning. 

I'm not sure who's reading this and or who will come across this but if you're specifically reading this post, I may not know you personally yet I have much love for you. You need a real friend? I WILL BRING THAT BLIMP TO YOUR FRONT DOOR TELLING YOU ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! JUST BELIEVE. PLEASE don't give up.  Please don't hesitate to reach out. I value privacy as I hope you'll value mine just as well. (my skype is on my purevolume page---links to the right of the blog.)

Random Post.

Honestly...Life would be real different if we could switch our emotions off and not give a care in the world. When you're away from civilization and the isolation does not get to your head and make your sanity melt. When you see happy couples strolling by and you're sitting on a romantic sight the lack of a partner does not bother you. Desire ruins us. It is true if you do not have this ability it is inhumane but think of how this life we live would be less tense. Who am I kidding though? By putting up boulders, you're only putting yourself on self-destruct. Anyways on another note, my cousin has been forcing me to apply at Harley Davidson but I think i'll apply to one North Texas when i'm finally settled in Denton this summer. It would be a sweet job although i've had experience working/selling Yamaha motorcycles through out my uncle's store on the other side of the world. Vanessa wants me to start modeling although I quit the company after a week I started my freshmen year. I want to do bartending but bleh i don't drink... HAVE YOU MET A DESI CHICK OR MUSLIM GIRL SERVING ALCOHOL? lmao i'd be the first. I make drinks welll suprisngly since I still don't haven an urge to taste. just need to get my liscence. I'm ready for JULY to be here already and move up to Dallas! "Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible."

Lord save me...Ya'Allah

Lord save me…I’m your beautiful stranger.

In life, God brings people into your life for a reason. Everyone means something to you.( yes they do,once you sit down and realize how much each individual has a value in your life wether its your pet, sister,brother, parents family, friends, girlfran,boyfran,teacher..etc.)

I’m sitting here thinking of my past… So many memories flashing through my mind.

I tore all my journals, threw them all away thinking it would erase my bad memories of friendships,family drama, and death. Wrong, I remember almost everything I wrote in them journals…Sitting here and letting all the memories of my past flash through my mind.

Most of the memories are good but some are painful and i've been just thinking so much.

I miss the loved ones that have past away, I miss certain friends who aren't in my life anymore either because we've lost touch or we've distanced each other off. I miss some of my family members on the other side of the world. I'm afraid. I've seen death. I lost my great aunt. It kills. I've lost my grandmother, it hurts. I lost a classmate in 6th grade and ate lunch the rest of the year alone. Then the week of my finals, freshmen year... Dec 7, 2005 my brother passed away from battling cancer. Since then i've tried so hard to open myself to others but some nights I just think of the ones who I was closer to. On a postive note I made it so far into my life. I remember I use to doubt that i'd live past being 16. Hated struggling with life but I had a change of way with life and now i'm going to be turning 19 soon (: Who knows what God has planned for me in my future! Hopefully my dream of helping the homeless comes true, iA!!


Even the best fall down sometimes, even the stars refuse to shine, out of the back you fall in time…somehow find you and I collide….don’t stop here…. I lost my place.

Light up a torch.....

light up a torch for your heart...my heart desires to drown in dreams fill up my arms with sky, clouds, streams, a rhythm holds my breath a loft..a song that’s whispered so soft..everything’s a sweet haze



I feel reallly weird tonight.
I think i'm done venting.