"Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven claws.."

Had Deja-vu all over again. Another dream, horrible day.

Fudge. I felt so numb a few days ago upon hearing that my realest, my ride or die friend passed away from a relapse. I didn't know relapse was an option. My boy got cleaned up. Rehab. Built new friendships. I thought he was living a full life. I was happy for him & thought now we're older maybe I needed to give space for his relationships. I remember in middle school-highschool, being the odd one out due to my ethnicity & faith. So much bullying and racial slurs I heard but Rob was always on top of it.  He would fight anyone if they offended my faith. I never got to attend parties but he would always share secrets and what happened. I knew things other girls didn't get any insight even while dating him. After school, we had our MSN webcam chats everyday. It didn't matter if I spent my summer overseas, he kept me updated by e-mails. The only boy who shares the same views on 'c0n$p!r@c!3s' and man I hope some day there's another cracker out there that thinks the sun shines out of my @$$ and has similar views --but this one. The boy even walked me to dance try outs in junior high when other girls were making fun of my bubble butt. I was legit crying thinking having a butt was a bad thing. He met my first 'crush' and didn't understand why I didn't want to date this boy. Handsome yet very girl including Rob&Jordan was obsessed except me. but man, I wish, I wish I had been more open with Rob instead growing distant after my wreck/surgery. Maybe he would've felt comfortable to hit me up one last time instead of the friend he chose to be around with in those last couple hours. RiP sweet boy, thank you for being the first male friend to show me so much respect & love. Thank you for being the older sibling I always wanted.

Life is not easy. It’s not easy if you are struggling with addiction – or even if you aren’t. It’s all about evolution. The strong survive. It’s not just about physical strength; it is more about mental strength. Do you have the will to survive? Do you have the strength to make it one more day?

As a person who has never struggled with drug or alcohol addiction, I can only speak from that perspective. I feel like i'm being selfish for moving 200+miles to go to nursing school and return to teaching dance however I can not live at home when my parents are heavily involved with the muslim/desi community. If they only knew the truth about others, i'm sure they would take a step back and worry less about me making a wrong impression on others. Despite returning to north TX, I will continue to make frequent trips to visit everyone. Watching a few friends experience withdrawals is bittersweet but makes my heart ache. How did we get to this point in life? I thought abuse was bad during childhood but this...dependency on drugs...My insight into your world is only through observation. I do not wish to walk in your shoes, but I can tell you what it is like to walk in mine – if you are serious about recovery.

Every day, I have unfulfilled wants that some are not centered on anyone else. It may seem selfish, but I made a promise to myself. I wouldn't leave my family or run away when things get bad until my baby brother reaches the age of 16. I want things, I want different feelings, I want to be so successful that I am freed from feeling like i'm owned by my family,  that i'm able to help others overcome addiction, help orphans. I want changes in myself, in others, I want , I want, I want. It really never ends. I believe that desire is no different for anyone – for people with addiction and for those without.

Daily, there are people out there telling you no – bosses, friends, parents, spouses and significant others – and that is just a part of life. Disappointment and hurt are as much a part of living as joy, happiness and love. Hurt is the same for those with addiction as it is for those without. The difference is how we react to and cope with our emotions, whether they are good or bad. I don’t know what drugs do for a person with addiction to help cope with disappointment. I don’t know how drugs heighten the joy of happiness. But I do know that my life would be very monochromatic without its peaks and valleys.

I have no doubt from observing you that you hated every day you used substances. I can see how your life was out of control, spiraling into a pit of hurt and despair. You became so lost that the helping hands of others could not even be grasped.

I see your struggles with being in recovery, with more pain than joy. It’s a time in your life where the scales are not balanced. You are working so hard to survive but everyone is saying no. There are so many frustrations. “What is the point?” you may wonder.

There is one place where no one will say no. There is one life that will accept you. The life of substance use that you have known for the last several years. That is the easy path to take.

But please know that the immediate pain you feel now will eventually fade.

When my grandmother (mom's mother) died, I felt terrible pain and remorse. I wanted to pick up the phone and call her, but I knew I couldn’t. I wanted to one last time, for old times’ sake, annoy the crap out of her with our language barrier but I couldn’t. I flashed back to all the good times, but they were not to be anymore. I believe that feeling of loss is something similar to what you are experiencing in order to live on. Your old life must die, and there is tremendous pain with that death. Each day you will want to use substances just one more time. Time may heal all wounds, but the scars are there forever.

In time, the scales will balance and you will experience more joy than pain. But for now, you must travel the difficult path and find the will to survive. You will become stronger each time you choose to steer away from that dangerous and tempting path at the fork in the road. It may be hard to see because the path to recovery is difficult. But please know you are not walking alone – hands of help are reaching out to you with your every step. You may learn to hate me instead of love me because I will always, always push you to strive to be better. I will forever be that friend that you can call me anytime and despite how far I move, I will drop everything just to pull up even if it's 2am. Why do I care?

 Because you are all my brothers and sisters. What I love for myself, I love for all of you. I remember coming close to developing an addiction in highschool and it's yet too painful to process still because of the emotions but I didn't have anyone there for me, besides God of course. My "friends" didn't realize until towards graduation when I was trying to find any way to graduate a year early or get my GED just so I could start college sooner than later; so my life could have a meaning. 

I'm not sure who's reading this and or who will come across this but if you're specifically reading this post, I may not know you personally yet I have much love for you. You need a real friend? I WILL BRING THAT BLIMP TO YOUR FRONT DOOR TELLING YOU ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! JUST BELIEVE. PLEASE don't give up.  Please don't hesitate to reach out. I value privacy as I hope you'll value mine just as well. (my skype is on my purevolume page---links to the right of the blog.)